It was just announced that, in order to not inconvenience the wealthy, politically connected individuals that will be descending upon the DC-area to celebrate the inauguration of President Obama, all Northern Virginians will be transported to Guantanamo from January 16-21.
The U.S. Secret Service and other top officials had previously announced that bridges from Virginia to DC would be closed, and had recommended that residents stay in their homes for the long weekend. After further consideration, it was determined that this next step was necessary. An unnamed Secret Service spokesman noted that, "If Northern Virginians were permitted to remain in their homes, they would still be consuming resources that should be diverted to the inaugural celebration. Electricity, gas, water, bandwith, food, alcohol -- we cannot risk the possibility of a shortage of these resources for the wealthiest of Americans who will be participating in the festivities. Many of these guests have spent the last 20 years destroying the U.S. economy, and it is important that they are able to celebrate without being hindered by citizens pursuing their everyday, mundane lifestyles. And Guantanamo is actually pretty nice this time of year. There will be no waterboarding, and it's not that bad if you're not being waterboarded. It's similar to Tijuana."
The federal government has contracted with AirTran to have Northern Virginians flown to Guantanamo, which raises the possibility that many residents will end up spending five days in an airport, waiting for their plane, with no updates whatsoever from the gate agents. Or they could end up in cheap hotels outside of Atlanta.
Virginia Governor Tim Kaine worked with federal authorities in developing the plan. He noted that there are still some problems that need to be resolved. "Many Northern Virginians are very active on eBay, selling many of their personal belongings in order to survive the oncoming Depression. We are working to have some type of internet access available at Camp Guantanamo. We don't want this plan to result in the people of Virginia getting bad eBay feedback."
This move also seems to be a precursor to another rumored aspect of the inauguration. An anonymous U.S. Treasury Department official has suggested that at different points during the inauguration, federal bailout money is going to be dropped from helicopters hovering over various inaugural events. "This whole plan," the official noted, "was developed as a way to transfer tax dollars from rank and file Americans to the elite, who have lost billions in the recent economic crisis. Without this injection, many of them would not be able to pass on contributions to the politicians that they must influence. Also, ski season is here, and skiing is an expensive sport. Like golf, but in the winter. If Northern Virginians were allowed to remain in the area, no doubt they would attempt to participate in these cash drops, as many of them are desperate to pay their mortgages."
In coming days, more details of the Guatanamo weekend will be released. Officials are currently in negotiations with Huey Lewis and the News to provide some musical entertainment, and there has been discussion about a three on three basketball tournament.
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